Quote of the Day

Saturday, October 15, 2011

American Jobs For Brazillions

The Oracle was blessed to receive an audio transcript that we were assured came from the office of GOP Presidential Wannabe Perry announcing his plan for creating jobs for one and a half brazillion people. Perry's office didn't know how many a brazillion is either, but said it sounded like a lot.

Unfortunately, the Oracle has no method of attaching the audio file, so we were forced to hand transcribe Perry's utterances, word for word as best as we could make them out:

The other Rick with a P, Perry has announced that, "...eff'n ah is elecked in November 2012 ah will sign a series of executive o'ders in th' fust 100 days of mah administrashun t'roll back federal regulashuns an' open up mo'e areas fo' oil an' gas splorashun."

Perry went on to say that he, "...doesn't give a tinker's dadburn as t'whether varmints haf clean air o' clean water, thet Commie-pinko Invironment Proteckshun Ajuncy trash haf gotta hoof it on account o' they is fuckin' up mah money makin' oil drillin' projecks."

"We is stan'in' atop th' next Amurican economic boom -- inergy," Perry said, "Cuss it all t' tarnation, th' quickess way t'give our economah a shot in th' arm is t'deploy Amurican inginuity t'tap Amurican inergy. But we kin only does thet eff'n invironmental bureaucrats is told t'stan' down, as enny fool kin plainly see."

The Texas Goobernator sprinkled his remarks with a harsh denunciation of Democratic President Barack Obama, who he said is responsible for "ackivist regulashuns" that have made it more difficult to extract energy resources. Perry took a swipe at Obama because the President has favored green technologies that are not producing as much green for the wealthy elite as the wealthy feel they have coming to them.

"An', God knows we all be hankerin' th' wealthy t'git ev'rythin' they haf a-comin' t'them, dawgone it. Do ah hear an Amen brothers an' sisters?"

"His inergy policies is driven by th' concerns of ackivists in his party, mah policies is driven by corncerns thet Amurican wawkers wifout jobs is doin' nothin' t'put mo'e money in mah pockets," Perry said, while cussing it all to tarnation.

The Obama re-election campaign reacted quickly.

"Governor Perry's energy policy isn't the way to win the future, it's straight out of the past - doubling down on finite resources with no plan to promote innovation or to transition the nation to a clean energy economy," said campaign spokesman Ben LaBolt.

A Blast From The Past

Three Brazilian Soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, Bush looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

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